Saturday, May 24, 2014

My new favorite song...i'm finding joy

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Me. Today Seeking Joy

I came off of a high...school was hectic,I finished my field practicum hours at NAMI and my typical single mom schedule and daily life kept me busy. School is taking everything I have at this point and writing on my blog comes in last place. Sadly, I love writing here. I need this to be my escape. I was asked recently how my book was coming along. It is on hold until my two month break in October where I can take a mental break from school and relax into the writing of " Crazy Happens on the Road that leads Home" It's funny. I want to forget the dream of publishing a book. Really who is going to read a book from an unknown author except my family and friends? Well, my therapist and all of the therapists in her office said they would buy a copy....she said my story was inspirational. hmmm. It's not about money or sales or I wouldn't even think about writing. It's for me and the few it may help. It's about a girl with faith of a mustard seed who has a dream. She is Bipolar. A Bipolar Believer. It will confuse theologians and hopefully give hope to those that struggle as I do. A girl with a Christian faith who no matter what she does, finds herself in darkness with the lows and the light of emotional highs. It's confusing to me. But it's me.

Today, I'm seeking joy. I will rest knowing that my faith says there is nothing I can do to make Him love me any more than He already does. I need to re-discover that joy. Today, I'm seeking joy in the midst of the emotional chaos.

If you relate, don't give up.


Friday, December 27, 2013

Me. Today. Christmas, eating.

Christmas has come and gone. I feel as though I was in the moment but a part of me maybe doesn't feel as though I celebrated in my heart enough. Jesus' birth is important to me but we didn't talk much about it. Not because I'm not passionate about Jesus but because my heart felt as though it was in a place of mourning.

Mourning what? I'm not even sure. It wasn't one thing but my life how it was "supposed" to be. I wasn't supposed to be a single mom, it wasn't in the plan. I wasn't supposed to be overweight. It was never in the plan....and on and on.

I'm continuing with the theme of healthy body image, over eating etc. Why? Because unfortunately it's a big part of my life and there have been several women who have encouraged me to write about this topic because they too struggle. For every women who has told me, another is silently struggling. So I am taking the direct approach about who I am and what I am struggling with for all to see.

I've lived with shame for way to long. There was a silent scream that came from within as a child and it continued into adulthood until I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior! But I wasn't fixed instantly. Other addictions, vanished. My food addiction has followed me like a dark shadow. Over the holiday season, I ate like there was not going to be a tomorrow. ( I love to give myself a good excuse to go all out) ugh. This year, starting now, I'm not going to use my weight as a safety net. I don't need it to feel safe. The Lord is my safety net, He is my shield in who I can trust!

What is your false sense of security? Where do you go to receive comfort when we should be falling into the arms of our Savior?

The really wonderful thing! There is NO condemnation, shame, guilt found in Christ. So we can get up, start over and know He is the one who really is in control. We just need to invite Him in to that dark space.

Lord, come into that dark space in my heart. Fill me, heal me and take my down a path and teach me how to not depend on food as comfort. It's an addiction, a daily struggle. But with  you I can do anything!