Me. Today. My heart can be deceiving

So glad I have learned to not always "listen to my heart" and "run with my emotions". The heart and emotions can be deceiving. I love that the Lord holds me in the tension of life and the awkwardness of emotions. This is beautiful. Life doesn't have to make sense. It just is sometimes. I am His all the time. Trusting He has my heart.

Me Today. What I learned in Michigan

I had the beautiful opportunity to visit the state of Michigan last week. When I arrived I was greeted by the ladies from the Legacy Conference and stayed the night with Corrine who has walked the journey of single motherhood for almost ten years. I am new to the single motherhood life so it was an encouragement I had not expected to get from the trip. I could have left the next day and my heart would have been lifted with hope to endure this new journey which sometimes frightens me.

My heart has been overwhelmed since I arrived home. I hug my babies closer, I appreciate the sunshine as the gals there only seem to get five months of great weather. All though I think God smiled down on Michigan upon my arrival because there was sun, snow and a sunset over Lake Michigan that made me think for a moment that Heaven will look a bit like "this". I left a bit of my heart in Michigan but know California is home. It is a awkward, sometimes dark and grimy place with smog and bitterness in the air but, I know it. It is familiar, it is noisy enough for me to run away and hide in my pain but the smell of the ocean and beaches that many envy are a quick hideaway if needed.

What I learned: The DePoy family have hearts of Gold and a love big enough for strangers that challenges the spirit to want to grow. I had a heart to heart with Pastor Jerry DePoy Sr. and it was what this girl needed. He challenged why I am going to school for Psychology. I had the answers and we both walked away from the conversation stretched out of our comfort zone. Which I love. I don't appreciate people in my life who let me stay stuck. My sweet friends of twenty years lovingly challenge me. He did too. What a man of wisdom, grace and love for friends close and strangers he calls family. Mrs, DePoy was a complete jewel who made me feel comfortable from the start.

Women whom I met, all of them, loved on me and accepted me with the grace of Jesus.

Michigan made me face my emotional fears. I told the story of how I met Jennifer from the Legacy Conference I think ten to twenty times which made me face the tangible, heart felt fact that I met this loving family and ministry because Jay DePoy Jr. told me that my friend had committed suicide. Gina always loved a happy ending. I  know she is smiling in Heaven.

I learned that spiritual sisters in Christ are connected. I knew that but I felt as though I had met these ladies of Legacy already. It's as if we were long lost friends that reconnected.

What a see and goals I have coming home from Michigan:

*To love on my girls, nurture them through the trauma they continue to experience because of the abuse I went through during my marriage. Yes, that is real and it's my story. Their Dad is a person loved by God with real pain and I married him. loving him but the pain goes deep for all of us and there is a road of healing we are all on even if it is separately and always will be.

*I am going to finish my book and realize that it is a book on awareness to the Church as well as those who do not find their faith in Jesus Christ.

* I have ideas for two more books so it's official. I'm a writer soon to be author.

*Finish school before I dive into ministry. I will continue down the road of healing but with hope in my heart.  Lord willing, I will work with women who have experienced trauma possibly in the area of sex trafficking  in the United States because it is a form of occult abuse and I understand that deep pain. Spiritual Counseling is a desire having the knowledge of how the mind works as we heal, mind , body and spirit.

* Help my best friend Heather to grow Blessednest.com it is a journey we have been on for over 10 years and we see that we are about to reach higher ground. It's exciting!

Yes. I am a blessed, busy, yet balanced girl, with freedom.

Oh, and I am not thinking about the fact that I am 47. I feel better then I ever have. So be it. Growing old is great.

Thank you for walking on this road of redemption with me. The road that leads home.

Me. Today. Still Dreaming Big

It was the 1990's when I rededicated my life to the Lord. I was so eager to know the Lord on a deeper level that I believe He is the one who directed me down the path to Youth ministry at Mariners Church. It was there that I met Becky, who had a ministry to encourage women to grow closer to God through prayer and telling their story. I thought, "simple enough." I can pray and I can tell my story. So, I bought what I think was one of her first books written on the power of prayer.

Wild Things Happen When I Pray. I took the book literally and wanted this deep intimacy with the Lord found in prayer but I also wanted to partner with Him, praying in Faith with an expectant heart.  This book encouraged me to dream through prayer. I took my inspirations on what life could possibly hold for me and brought it all to the Lord. He has been faithful to guide me. I also, read that Martin Luther King spent three hours a day praying, so I did too.

I believed and still do, that God can move mountains through prayer.

The Lord is doing the moving of the mountains but as C.S. Lewis says," through prayer we simply get to be a part of what God is already doing." I began to pray for our Government and anything I thought the Lord was showing me to pray for no matter how crazy it seemed. There was even a three year season  when myself , a surfer, ex- drug user, Engineering Student from Brazil, getting his masters, got together and formed a prayer team specifically about the CIA and possible corruption. I know, we sound like complete crazy people.
Regardless of what we are ...were. Crazy that is. We are dreamers, We, I, believe that God can do anything through prayer and I wanted to be a part of it.

I haven't prayed with this kind of authority in years. It's time to enter into this season again.

I had a dream in the 1990's and a girl, well my voice instructor, said," don't ever give up on that dream." I took voice lessons for one year because I needed to find my voice. In the midst of entering into a season of chaos when I was remembering childhood abuse, I had a hard time expressing myself. I couldn't even bring myself to worship. Did I take voice lessons because I wanted to be good at singing or be on the worship team? NO! I took them because I knew it would bring healing and it did. Singing helps me integrate my broken parts.

My Dream: To help women and children integrate their broken hearts and minds through the arts. music, acting, dance,art. Do I have a talent in these areas? No. But I have a dream to see women and kids who have no self esteem to jump out of the box and do something expressive with their bodies and minds. This concept for someone who has been abused is frightening! So, I am not giving up on my dream.

And guess what? I found out that their may be a masters program developing at my school in "Organizational Psychology." Can I dance, sing, act or draw? No, but I can find healing in doing so and I can organize a group to do it....in time.

Just reminding Myself that Wild Things Happen When I Pray........