Friday, December 27, 2013

Me. Today. Christmas, eating.

Christmas has come and gone. I feel as though I was in the moment but a part of me maybe doesn't feel as though I celebrated in my heart enough. Jesus' birth is important to me but we didn't talk much about it. Not because I'm not passionate about Jesus but because my heart felt as though it was in a place of mourning.

Mourning what? I'm not even sure. It wasn't one thing but my life how it was "supposed" to be. I wasn't supposed to be a single mom, it wasn't in the plan. I wasn't supposed to be overweight. It was never in the plan....and on and on.

I'm continuing with the theme of healthy body image, over eating etc. Why? Because unfortunately it's a big part of my life and there have been several women who have encouraged me to write about this topic because they too struggle. For every women who has told me, another is silently struggling. So I am taking the direct approach about who I am and what I am struggling with for all to see.

I've lived with shame for way to long. There was a silent scream that came from within as a child and it continued into adulthood until I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior! But I wasn't fixed instantly. Other addictions, vanished. My food addiction has followed me like a dark shadow. Over the holiday season, I ate like there was not going to be a tomorrow. ( I love to give myself a good excuse to go all out) ugh. This year, starting now, I'm not going to use my weight as a safety net. I don't need it to feel safe. The Lord is my safety net, He is my shield in who I can trust!

What is your false sense of security? Where do you go to receive comfort when we should be falling into the arms of our Savior?

The really wonderful thing! There is NO condemnation, shame, guilt found in Christ. So we can get up, start over and know He is the one who really is in control. We just need to invite Him in to that dark space.

Lord, come into that dark space in my heart. Fill me, heal me and take my down a path and teach me how to not depend on food as comfort. It's an addiction, a daily struggle. But with  you I can do anything!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Me. Today. Exercising Passionately

Journal entry....

Exercising passionately. Passionately is an odd word to choose in describing my latest exercise experience but I can't help but to feel passionate about it. It's changing my life and the way I look at food and myself. My last blog post was on October 13th about over eating and the reason there has been such a lapse in posting is because I haven't over eaten! Something clicked. I'm not going to food to heal my broken heart. Overeating has been a tool that I have used for years when I am in denial. Recently, I came out of denial with my diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder that I have known about and lived with for about twenty years. I run on the depressive end and honestly long for a few manic moments yet they are few and far between. What I have always really wanted was to be "normal", whatever that means. Bipolar does not define me but it is a fact and it is a part of who I am. You will never hear me talk about it outside of my close knit group of friends ( unless the subject comes up naturally). I don't announce it when I walk inside a room, yet I'm not afraid or ashamed of it either.
 Exercising passionately. I don't have a choice, it seems to be what keeps me from being down. It's a "med" that doesn't come in a bottle and it's a tool the Lord gave me as I prayed for something to give in my life, something to change. He helped me to see what I was lacking in my life. It's an amazing group of people that I exercise with weekly and the accountability helps as well. Plus, it kicks me in the but every week, gets me out of a funk and leads me to health and wellness for me and my family.
Mind, body and spirit are connecting. I'm connecting.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Me.Today Exercise

Journal entry:
For the past few weeks, I've taken my overeating seriously. I realize it is self sabotage to happiness in my life.   I've had good days and bad and a few horrible days. It seems when I tell others that I am doing something regarding my weight, I do the opposite. Self sabotage to happiness. Well, I continue to face this demon in my life and tonight I am adding on exercise. Not a lot, just enough to kick me into gear. Something manageable that I can do from home and then I will build from there. I don't want to set out to fail. The good news, I didn't beat my self up for the horrible days! I forgave myself quickly and moved on. That is progress to be proud of. When we overeat, a lot of this behavior comes from self hate. I am learning to go easy on myself which in turn will heal me.
How are you doing?